So… I have literally written… rewritten and then trashed this post altogether because for whatever reason, I just could not get out what I wanted to say. Life has been intense. lol. The girl who wrote the post about not wanting kids… is well… pregnant. Crazy right? I thought that I would just tell you about how I felt in the beginning and all that jazz but that isn’t what matters at this point in my life. Let’s just say when we found out, I was terrified and scared and slightly depressed. Let’s not lie about it. For whatever reason, I just kept thinking that this kid is seriously going to hate me. No matter what I do, he or she is going to just not like me. I’m not great with kids. I can photograph them but having to spend more than a couple hours with them, it’s like “What do I do now?” So needless to say, I was kind of in a low place. That was back in December when we found out.
I am now a few days away from being twenty weeks, which is half way through the pregnancy and yes, my opinion has changed. No longer depressed but finally excited. Looking forward to meeting this precious little person. And yes… we found out what we are having. Lucas Alexander will be coming into this world in August! That’s right, we’re having ourselves a little boy. Something both of us were secretly hoping for. So far, this pregnancy hasn’t been that bad. The first trimester was nothing but nausea with no vomiting. Second trimester, sleeplessness mainly… but even now, that has kind of subsided because I’ve been able to sleep a good six hours before I have to get up and pee.
There has been a slight complication. When we found out that we were having a little boy… they also found a small mass in baby Lucas’s head. Which they said could go away on its own or it could be something more serious. Not something you want to hear when you’ve finally become attached. But like my husband says, there is nothing we can do about it. We actually set up an appointment on Tuesday to see a specialist to see if they can determine whether or not we should be concerned. If I said I wasn’t nervous… I would totally be lying. Every time I think about it, my stomach tightens and I start to feel slightly sick. The husband is right though, there is nothing I can do for now and I’m hoping that when we see the specialist, he will tell us it is nothing to worry about.
I think the thing that turned my feelings around about having a child was my husband. Nothing makes me melt more than my husband rubbing my belly [now that my stomach is poking out some]. Guys, if your girl is preggers, tell her how beautiful she is and rub that little baby bump. Because even if we feel like complete crap, seeing that warmth and love that the husband brings just by touching our bellys is something that we shouldn’t take for granted. He makes me feel like we can do anything and when it comes to having your first child, you really do need someone that you can totally lean on. Because I have had a ton of days, where I just feel like crap and he is always right there to make me feel better. Whether its with a cold rag to put on my forehead and eyes because I have a terrible headache or going out in the middle of the night to buy me ginger ale because I feel like I’m going to vomit… he does it all. Sometimes I just need him to let me lie my head on his lap while he runs his fingers through my hair, that does wonders for me. I definitely bagged myself a keeper!!
So yeah. There you go. That is where my life and my head have been at lately. I mean I really haven’t been able to think about much else. I can already tell you that my Goodreads Challenge is going straight to the toilet because I am already five books behind. How in the heck am I going to make that up? I can barely concentrate on a book that’s only three hundred pages. [shakes head] And hopefully I will be able to start doing more posts. Something about sitting in front of the computer for an hour or two typing just doesn’t do it for me anymore… mainly because I get super sleepy. But there are a few things that I want to make some posts on so we will see.